IRS Woes Coming to a Close (finally, hopefully)

I spoke to an actual IRS agent today. It was scary and the hour long wait listening to the old elevator music made my stomach turn but it was worth it. After 4 years of attorney fees that got me nowhere and many sleepless nights I felt like I actually made progress today. I think deep down I really thought IRS agents were evil carnivorous reptiles from another planet but it turns out that the person on the other end of the phone receiver was actually that a "person". She was kind and listened. She gave actual real and helpful advice and when I told her my dreams were dead she encouraged that they not be. When I told her I might actually jump off a bridge and end it she told me my family needed me. She walked through options with me and helped me to feel like it would be okay. Needless to say this is not what I expected. It was a pleasant surprise and a relief. I know that my financial situation is hard right now, but I have hope. So I guess I'm writing this to just encourage others who are struggling with the IRS. They are real people and not evil aliens trying to suck the life out of you. They don't want you dead and they don't want to put you in a life threatening situation but they do want your money. As a final message of hope I leave you with this message from the Bible. Jesus loves us all. He loves the broken (me) and he loves the tax collector. It won't be long before me and the tax collector are both dining together before God and will be judged the same. "While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” — Matthew 9:10-13

My Autoimmune Illness controlled by Skyrizi

 Update: see my blog on Adapting Life to the Rash https://notwhatyouwanttohear.blogspot.com/2022/01/adapting-life-to-rash.html for how this all got started but let me tell you where I am at today living with Psoriasis

2023...It's been a little over a year since I was diagnosed with Psoriasis. I had never even heard of this illness until I was diagnosed by a dermatologist. So much has occurred since diagnosis resulting in additional testing, blood work, TB test, etc. To trying different medications to get the dreaded rash under control. Living with psoriasis is so much more than a rash or a medication. It is an auto immune illness. Somehow my immune system got broken. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it was triggered by some external factor and there all along. I don't really know enough to give you the science behind it but what I do know is it makes you feel awful. 

When on medication I'm sick, when off medication I'm sick. I just have to choose the lesser of two evils in this case and it will be a lifelong battle. Currently I am taking Skyrizi. Skyrizi is a biologic injection taken every 3 months. It is painless, quick and easy to take. Side effects for me have included nausea, stomache pain and headache. I have had some respiratory issues but very minor and I haven't noticed any real difference from before when dealing with respiratory allergens from living here in Tennessee. It is better than hurting everyday and feeling like I'm wearing my skin inside out. 

I'm almost positive my hurting is from psoriatic arthritis that came with the psoriasis. It is undiagnosed because I would have to also see a rheumatologist which I haven't seen, but luckily Skyrizi has also helped with the arthritic pain. 

One of the recurring issues I am still having is hair loss. I shed worse than my dogs. I'm not sure if this is from the Skyrizi or from the psoriasis itself. All still worth it though so that I don't have the pain and all over rash.

My advice if experiencing a new skin issue you have never had before is to just not give up. After following the psoriasis and chronic hives groups on Facebook I consistently hear people say they just want to give up and that they don't feel like they can go on living like this anymore. I can 100 % agree with this. I have been there. I felt the same way. I just kept going to doctors until someone figured it out and then I tried all the meds until something worked for me. I'm not going to lie and say the process is easy or that you will even find relief forever. Things change over time. I'm scared to death of a relapse that causes me to have to go back to trial and error of meds. I'm scared to death of any future hospital surgeries that require me to go off my suppressant and inviting the dreaded rash back into my life.

But I know that right now I am 100% clear and for a brief while I have my life back. It isn't always easy and sometimes I have weird symptoms like headache or itchiness. Some foods and drinks don't settle right with me anymore. But it is worth it. Life is worth fighting for and my daily routine is finally something I can live with again. No more lotions every hour. No more steroids. No more what ifs. 

Adapting Life to the Rash

For over 3 weeks now I've lived my life with a rash. What kind of rash is exactly the question. It's a mystery rash, even to the now 5 doctors who've examined it. Most of them have agreed to one thing, Penicillin isn't my friend. You see I had strep throat with a high fever and it wasn't treated with a penicillin type drug, but then I developed a rash with it and voila the experts decided Amoxicillin would be the answer. 

I tried to warn them. I'm allergic to Augmentin I said (a kind of penicillin type drug). They questioned me further and I admitted I was only a little kid the last time I'd had it. Maybe I could have antibiotics in the penicillin family after all (smh even now). I knew better, but I took the medicine believing all would be well.

So here I am 3 weeks later and in a world of hurt and itchiness, because I took the medicine knowing it probably wasn't a good idea. It was recommended by a doctor though so what could it really hurt right?! 

It turns out, a lot. What you don't know when developing a rash is what an impact it will have on every aspect of life from putting on your clothes, to shaving your legs, and even to your romantic life, and ability to go out in public.

I went from not wanting to wear short sleeves because I wanted to hide my fat arms, to not wanting to go out in public with exposed skin because it's covered in sores. I'm too embarrassed now that I'm going to be judged. What will people think of me I wonder, will they think I'm on some chemically induced drug like Meth or Crack. I work too hard to be a good citizen for that kind of criticism.

I also feel scared, because no-one knows what the heck is wrong with me. I don't know when if ever this rash will heal because I don't know what really caused it, why it is so bad, and why it is refusing to heal. If something else underlying is causing it what is it and will it go away on its own? I just have so many questions. 

I'm honestly so worried something really bad is doing this to me and that I might not survive long enough to find out what it is. I just want to be well again. I pray more than I take meds that God will see fit to make me well again. Selfishly I really love my life and want to hang onto it as long as possible. It does definitely help me put my life into perspective though. If I had to leave for good I know I've loved with all my heart and that is enough for a fulfilled life. I just want to keep on loving for awhile longer. I do love all of my friends and family fiercely and would do anything for them. 

Crippling Social Anxiety that Has Worsened with Old Age?

I wish I could say this is a post filled with useful information but it’s really more of a post for seeking information. Does anyone have advice for social anxiety? I had a mild case of it when I was young that has almost become completely debilitating over the years. The crazy thing is that most people who know me think I’m an extrovert, but the truth is I rarely leave the house, am terrified of crowds, and spend a lot of time planning how to make money from home so that I don’t have to keep putting myself in situations that make me so uncomfortable. Since I work in communications and am also a glass art teacher at present I am often part of large events. What others don’t know is that I spend weeks planning, trying to build up the courage and energy to attend one event. Events anywhere from 15-500 people. Then after an event I am left feeling exhausted, drained, nerves shot, and physically sick from worry that everything may have not gone as planned, or that someone didn’t have a good time, or that I somehow let people down. For example, I had an art class tonight that I spent weeks preparing for with 16 people attending and although I was happy to meet new mostly friendly people and that so many came it’s now 3 am and I’m still awake, not feeling well and overwhelmed with worry, and class ended seemingly successfully almost 8 hours ago so I don’t even understand why. I am just wondering if anyone else has had the same experience of worsening social anxiety as they have gotten older or if this is just something I’m experiencing, and also how they’ve coped? The worst part of this apart from the physical and mental anguish is that I also feel sometimes that if I could just be normal and venture out into the world on a daily basis that I might achieve more for my family and that I am letting them down. If you know me outside of this group I’d appreciate if you please do not share this with others, but I am reaching out on this issue because I’m just realizing how much worse things have gotten as I’ve gotten older and truly believe if anyone else is experiencing this and has found some way to improve their condition it could be helpful to more than just me. 

How Not to Start Your Own Business...The Real Truth Behind Small Business Woes

written by: Adrienne Diffin
There are many resources that are available to help you start your own small business. Those resources are there to support individuals who are already in the process of taking the leap. They may on occasion tell you the statistics of small business survival, but they are not there to convince you that starting your own business might be a bad idea. They are resources for support and encouragement.

Here are a few reasons you should not start your own small business (yet).

1. You do not have a solid business plan, set in place that is goal driven with milestones

2. You do not have enough $ to invest in yourself let alone others

3. You have not done research to determine your competitive market


4. You are unable to set aside time to pursue your dream now, while you currently have a JOB


5. You have not tested your success theory on a small-scale before diving in with both feet

6. You are not willing to re-invest in growing your small business

Don't be like me and start your small business by not having at least some of these things in place. Research, research, research, set your goals, and then use those resources to get the results you are looking for.  (HINT) The SBA and your local Chamber of Commerce is a good start.

 Know the Difference and Pursue Accordingly 

(consulting and company are different) 

• Consulting (singular) built on the idea of making enough money to support you and your family

• Company (plural) is goal-driven to support others (not just you anymore)

To build a company you must grow your profit beyond what it costs to take care of company expenses, your own expenses, and have money to spare to pay someone else.
Growth can be one of the most challenging aspects of any small business. It is easy to confuse consultant and company, but they come with a very different set of challenges. It may be essential at first to start out as a consultant depending on the type of business you are creating; service or product-driven. However, you should have a business plan that captures growth initiatives to reach the next level. If you don't you will find yourself stuck.
Keep in mind some people don't want the burdens of a company and are fine with being a consultant, just be sure that if you are providing a service, that you are aware of the difference and that you maintain goals to help you at either level. If reaching the "company" level is your goal then be sure to include a well thought out plan for taking the right next steps to build past yourself.

(how do you know it's time to start a company)

For myself, I began as a consultant. I was a bit of a pro in the areas of marketing/ communications and wanted to make companies look their best. Then one day, as I was burning the midnight oil and stressing over juggling multiple client deadlines, I realized I wasn't a company because at the current pace I was going my "company" would never be bigger than myself. It would never leave a legacy behind. It would simply fizzle and die without me at the helm running things. Also, I realized that without a strategy to grow bigger than myself there would be no-one to pass the gauntlet to and that I didn't have an exit strategy. Therefore, I would most likely work until I died, die from the stress of all the work, or both.

(how not to grow a company)
So here was my biggest mistake. I barely had my consulting business off the ground, and then I invested in building a company before I was ready. I took all the profit and then some from my consulting business and invested it in an office, with employees, to create a new product/ service line. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I had essentially two businesses (less time, less money, no additional resources to support the consulting business, and too much overhead for the consulting business to support). I was spread thin both financially and with no time to spare day or night. The burn out was very real, and both businesses were just mediocre. No profit was being made, all the money was being poured into infrastructure for a product/ service- line that wasn't taking off.

(lessons-learned)
Here is what I learned. When I started my consulting business I had existing clients in place. I had money in the bank from savings to carry me through the first few months of personal expenses. I used my existing network and resources to help me find a recurring source of income that would sustain me so that I could have a chance at success.

When I started my "company-project" there was no "spare" money in savings to be used to help sustain it while it was still in the "new phase." There were no existing buyers in place. The current industry was not "accepting" of the company-project and did not show any support which in-turn hurt business. This should have been researched and tested prior to the dive-in.

(what's next)
So the "company-project" failed and my consulting business almost went bust with it, but I'm still here. I still have something to offer to the world. I am a visionary. I am an entrepreneur. So, what's next for me is to go back to the drawing board. Failure is an objective concept. As long as you continue to learn from it then it becomes just a notch in the belt of mistakes. I recently went to a family cook-out, and was asked are you sad your company-project failed. I answered that I'm not sad, because I know what not to do the next time. That's already one step closer to success than the individuals who are still at the gate.

(the path to success)

1. Proper Planning and Use of Resources
2. Good Money Management Skills and Financial Awareness (be present and understand your financial standing--Your Credit is Important)
3. Solid Investments
4. Gradual Growth with a Phased Approach
5. A Bit of Luck

Not all of them are needed at once, but all of them are needed.

Depression...The Fight is Real and it is Daily

I have struggled with depression and feelings of self defeat/ self destruction on and off since I reached my teen years. These past few days, although they have been good days with a lot of little great moments have still been hard days for me emotionally. Inside I have felt like a train wreck. I have been through a gamut of self defeating emotions such as worthlessness, loneliness, deep sadness; the feeling that noone really cares if I exist or not and that life is pointless. I have coped with these types of feelings on/ off since I was a teen.

 

I have been told they are normal by some, I have seen therapists at the recommendations of others, I have tried various medications for depression as prescribed by a variety of doctors, and I have made life altering changes to my lifestyle in attempts to defeat these feelings of inadequacy and sadness.

 

 

Still, they manage to haunt me from time to time and because I've faced them for so many years I am now able to recognize that they are the symptom of what society has labeled "depression" but recognizing the problem doesn't take the pain away and it doesn't make it stop. It only helps me to make it to the next day because I can tell myself "this too shall pass", "it is only temporary", and "i am loved" having survived these feelings before.

 

The hardest part of my depression is that it is SCARY and it seems as if I am ALONE in it. I don't talk about it out of fear of being ridiculed, misunderstood and/ or rejected, or dismissed as attention seeking. I am afraid my feelings will simply be dismissed as pointless and silly. I am afraid that those who I have felt close to will take it personally and wonder if it is something they did wrong and feel pushed away. I am afraid of being seen as weak or mentally ill. I AM AFRAID and these fears eat at me, they feed off each other until they are too strong to bare, they consume me and that is why I am reaching out about my depression. Because it is scary and it is consuming, and sometimes there is no one to turn to. It CAN BE misunderstood and dismissed.

 

 

I'm writing this because I BELIEVE in overcoming my fears and I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want others to feel they have to suffer in silence. I urge those who are new to these feelings to hold on and to look deeper inside for the strength to make it to the next day. I urge those who suffer the way I have to seek the strength to talk about their depression. I BELIEVE that talking about it can not only help those of us who have depression to release the pain that is inside, but it can also help others to better understand the nature of depression and that it can affect anyone without warning. I BELIEVE in a better tomorrow and I will hold on (regardless of my inner demons that tell me no one cares and that I am alone) so that I can live. I choose the fight, but it is real and it is daily. It is painful and it is haunting. I never know when I will face another episode/ attack that leaves me wondering if I will fail the fight today. So I am writing this with HOPE and I pray for myself and others that have suffered these thoughts that we find peace in our minds and the strength to choose the fight.

 

 

 

 

Would Your Kids Survive the Apocalypse

With all the hype on the Walking Dead and other post apocalyptic types of movies I often wonder...would my kids actually survive the apocalypse.

 I'd like to think that like Katniss Everdeen of Hunger Games my 7th grade daughter would hunt for her own food and fight like a tribal warrior for her survival. We even bought the kids real bow and arrows for Christmas one year to try and prepare them for survival mode if the need ever occurred. Deep down though, I know that my big ideas of preparation and survival don't amount to much in the scheme of things. We're talking bio warfare/ zombies, changing polar zones with wintery conditions that compare to the Ice Age, or holes in the Ozone layer that are depleting our oxygen levels, nuclear war, even drought and famine, or worse yet (the plague). Any of these things could spell doom for humanity as we know it, but would it end everything and would those that live have been the strong or would they be the chosen few? I often wonder what my kids would do without the "instant life": instant internet, instant conversation, instant food, instant energy. These are no longer conveniences, but rather a normal way of life. I think of Avatar and the Indians and how without those who had the knowledge of the land and how to live off of it without them and that knowledge one would be in the darkest of situations.

 

These are the rational fears in the back of my mind. That I can't protect them no matter how much I would like to. But, I choose above all to have hope. I will buy them bows and arrows, ground them from technology on occasion to give them a taste of life without it, keep them in sports so that they will stay fast and flexible, feed them so that they will stay healthy and strong, and provide them shelter. Above all I will show them love, because no matter this life, the post apocalyptic life, or in the afterlife love is something they can hold onto. Love will give them hope. Love will help them to find their faith. It's okay that with everyday we step out into a scary world of the unknowns, because with faith we will land together onto something more.