I have struggled with depression and feelings of self defeat/ self destruction on and off since I reached my teen years. These past few days, although they have been good days with a lot of little great moments have still been hard days for me emotionally. Inside I have felt like a train wreck. I have been through a gamut of self defeating emotions such as worthlessness, loneliness, deep sadness; the feeling that noone really cares if I exist or not and that life is pointless. I have coped with these types of feelings on/ off since I was a teen.
I have been told they are normal by some, I have seen therapists at the recommendations of others, I have tried various medications for depression as prescribed by a variety of doctors, and I have made life altering changes to my lifestyle in attempts to defeat these feelings of inadequacy and sadness.
Still, they manage to haunt me from time to time and because I've faced them for so many years I am now able to recognize that they are the symptom of what society has labeled "depression" but recognizing the problem doesn't take the pain away and it doesn't make it stop. It only helps me to make it to the next day because I can tell myself "this too shall pass", "it is only temporary", and "i am loved" having survived these feelings before.
The hardest part of my depression is that it is SCARY and it seems as if I am ALONE in it. I don't talk about it out of fear of being ridiculed, misunderstood and/ or rejected, or dismissed as attention seeking. I am afraid my feelings will simply be dismissed as pointless and silly. I am afraid that those who I have felt close to will take it personally and wonder if it is something they did wrong and feel pushed away. I am afraid of being seen as weak or mentally ill. I AM AFRAID and these fears eat at me, they feed off each other until they are too strong to bare, they consume me and that is why I am reaching out about my depression. Because it is scary and it is consuming, and sometimes there is no one to turn to. It CAN BE misunderstood and dismissed. 
I'm writing this because I BELIEVE in overcoming my fears and I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want others to feel they have to suffer in silence. I urge those who are new to these feelings to hold on and to look deeper inside for the strength to make it to the next day. I urge those who suffer the way I have to seek the strength to talk about their depression. I BELIEVE that talking about it can not only help those of us who have depression to release the pain that is inside, but it can also help others to better understand the nature of depression and that it can affect anyone without warning. I BELIEVE in a better tomorrow and I will hold on (regardless of my inner demons that tell me no one cares and that I am alone) so that I can live. I choose the fight, but it is real and it is daily. It is painful and it is haunting. I never know when I will face another episode/ attack that leaves me wondering if I will fail the fight today. So I am writing this with HOPE and I pray for myself and others that have suffered these thoughts that we find peace in our minds and the strength to choose the fight.
